Dear Coleen,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year, but it has had its ups and downs. We are both in our twenties, and I had feelings for him for a long time. However, he was in a relationship with someone else, so I didn’t think we would ever be together.

After his previous relationship ended and he became single, I made efforts to get closer to him by attending events he frequented, mingling with his friends, and expressing my interest in him. Eventually, we got together.

My concern now is that he may still have feelings for his ex-girlfriend because he frequently mentions her, which bothers me immensely. Recently, I reached a breaking point and told him I don’t want to hear about her anymore as it makes me feel like I am not his top priority.

I also worry that because I pursued him persistently, he holds the upper hand in the relationship and is fully aware of my feelings for him. We have had a few temporary breakups, often triggered by his discussions about his ex or his absence while he socializes with his friends.

In essence, I deeply care for him, but I feel insecure due to his lingering attachment to his ex-girlfriend and my fear of being too invested in the relationship. Do you have any advice?

Coleen suggests that he may be relishing the attention and adoration he receives from you. While she advocates for straightforward communication, she also recommends taking a step back, reducing the intensity of your affections, and gaining more self-assurance. Constantly seeking reassurance from him about his feelings and his past relationship can be overwhelming and may push him away.

It’s important not to compare yourself to his ex or belittle yourself. If he cannot appreciate your worth and is preoccupied with his past, it might be time to move on and find someone who values you without making you feel insecure.

If being with him makes you feel clingy and uncertain, he may not be the right match for you, regardless of how attractive you find him.

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